Think of the different relationships we have in our lives spouse, partner, siblings, parents, children, boss, friends, neighbours, professionals such as doctors and the list could go on much longer.

There are some characteristics that all good relationships have in common.  I will discuss a few of them.  The most important quality is communication.   By this I mean two-way talking and listening.  Both are essential.  It is equally important to be heard and to hear the other person.  We can learn to concentrate on one of them at a time.  When we are not listened to, we become frustrated and angry.  On the other hand, when we are deeply heard, we feel valued, more understood and more relaxed.  Healthy communication includes sharing our thoughts, feelings and experiences.  The closer someone is to us, the more important this is.  When we share something deep and personal, and it is not received, or heard, we can feel devastated. To deny or avoid saying what we think and feel leads us to despair.  To express ourselves fully adds vitality to our lives and our relationships.  As Rita Benson puts it in her book, Souls Rising, "It is important to ask for what we want, and trust the other person to say yes or no". 

Another important characteristic of healthy relationship is trust.  I taught human relations at Fanshawe College in London for over 20 years.  I put a lot of attention on the building of trust in our small group classes.  Many people have been seriously disappointed and violated in past relationships, and hence are wary to trust us.  We are wise to be sensitive to each person's ability and willingness to trust, and take care to respect the other persons boundaries.  If we are reliable and trustworthy, the other person will tend to respond more and more fully.  Conversely, if we strain or break the trust, the other person will tend to retreat and build barriers.  That's how they learned to be safe in the first place.  It is essential we learn how to protect ourselves, and it is also important for us to learn to trust.  Discrimination is the key and takes time to develop.

A third characteristic of healthy relationships is respect.  This goes hand in hand with trust. We donšt respect someone who demands it of us; we realize respect is a gift, and it is earned. Part of showing respect is to support the other person in achieving his/her goals. The more congruent I am, the more I invite respect.

Finally, healthy relationships are enhanced by showing that we care, non-possessively. Just as we appreciate a sunset as it unfolds, we can learn to appreciate the other person for the unique individual he/she is. Here are several pointers to help co-create open honest relationships:

    (1) What is most personal is also most universal.
    (2) Give and receive responses non-judgmentally.
    (3) The more real I am, the more real the other person is likely to be.
    (4) See each person you meet as a distinct individual.
    (5) Refrain from attempts to control others or being controlled by them. The person we hang onto we push away.

Why not put our best energy into our relationships.  After all, they form a central part of our lives.  In my book Thoughts On Relationships, I wrote the following:  "Positive thought and actions bring positive results."

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